BREAKING: Kirk Douglas's Head-Exploding Birthday Wish

Hey, kid -- it's my birthday! And your problem!

It was 90 years ago today, in the humble upstate New York town of Amsterdam, that Kirk Douglas was squeezed into life with that cleft chin and his Hollywood resolve fully-formed. And bless his publicist's heart: No sooner did I clink a spoon on my coffee mug calling for a speech than Douglas went viral with a birthday wish press release -- one that only a nonagenarian Kubrick-veteran Oscar-winner with Oscar-winning kids and "two new knees" could summon with this kind of... authority:

It's a tradition that when a "birthday boy" stands over his cake he makes a silent wish for his life and then blows out the candles. I have followed that tradition for 89 years but on my 90th birthday, I have decided to rebel. Instead of making a silent wish for myself, I want to make a LOUD wish for THE WORLD.

Let's face it: THE WORLD IS IN A MESS and you are inheriting it. Generation Y, you are on the cusp. You are the group facing many problems: abject poverty, global warming, genocide, AIDS, and suicide bombers to name a few. These problems exist, and the world is silent. We have done very little to solve these problems. Now, we leave it to you. You have to fix it because the situation is intolerable.

Um, thanks? Enjoy your cake, Mr. Douglas -- the rest of us will be carefully picking out candles and wiping your spittle from our slices.

Anyway, the birthday wish gets even "LOUDER" after the jump.

Kirk Douglas Editorial for His 90th Birthday, Saturday, December 9th

LOS ANGELES, Dec. 8 /PRNewswire/ -- My name is Kirk Douglas. You may know me. If you don't ... Google me. I was a movie star and I'm Michael Douglas's dad, Catherine Zeta-Jones' father-in-law, and the grandparents [sic] of their two children. Today I celebrate my 90th birthday.

I have a message to convey to America's young people. A 90th birthday is special. In my case, this birthday is not only special but miraculous. I survived World War II, a helicopter crash, a stroke, and two new knees.

It's a tradition that when a "birthday boy" stands over his cake he makes a silent wish for his life and then blows out the candles. I have followed that tradition for 89 years but on my 90th birthday, I have decided to rebel. Instead of making a silent wish for myself, I want to make a LOUD wish for THE WORLD.

Let's face it: THE WORLD IS IN A MESS and you are inheriting it. Generation Y, you are on the cusp. You are the group facing many problems: abject poverty, global warming, genocide, AIDS, and suicide bombers to name a few. These problems exist, and the world is silent. We have done very little to solve these problems. Now, we leave it to you. You have to fix it because the situation is intolerable.

You need to rebel, to speak up, write, vote, and care about people and the world you live in. We live in the best country in the world. I know. My parents were Russian immigrants. America is a country where EVERYONE, regardless of race, creed, or age has a chance. I had that chance. You are the generation that is most impacted and the generation that can make a difference.

I love this country because I came from a life of poverty. I was able to work my way through college and go into acting, the field that I love. There is no guarantee in this country that you will be successful. But you always have a chance. Nothing should interfere with it. You have to make sure that nothing stands in the way.

When I blow out my candles -- 90! ... it will take a long time ... but I'll be thinking of you.

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Posted at December 9, 2006 12:42 AM